Sue’s World

Teacher ‘Can anyone give me an example of a traditional tale?’

Pupil (aged 5) ‘Pin the tail on the donkey?’

Mavis gets older and the quotes become more risque!

Whizz, Mavis and I went for a small outing to a farm park, in the rain, 40 minutes drive away. This was not one of our more successful ideas but at least we were out as a family.

Mavis equipped herself with all the necessary gadgets to while away the travelling time. The I-phone had a version of The Simms on it.

I don,t know if you are familiar with The Simms. I only know what I have heard during the running commentary provided by Mavis for the entire 40 minute journey. It seems one adopts a persona and becomes a member of a virtual community. Mavis decided to be a nasty person. She then proceeded to enter other people’s houses via unlocked back doors, steal their food, use their toilets and sleep in their beds, sometimes while they were present.

Occasionally she would be asked questions on the touch screen like ‘What would you like to do?’ with several options. It was one of these questions that made Whizz and I prick up our ears.

‘Do you want to Woo Hoo?’ Mavis, read from the screen.

‘What’s Woo Hoo?’ I asked innocently.

‘I think it’s sex.’ replied Mavis dubiously.

A few questions followed and we decided that yes, Woo Hoo was sex. I eyed Whizz ‘Is this suitable for a 10-year-old?’  I muttered under my breath.

‘Maybe not.’ came the reply. But there wasn’t much we could do.

Mavis continued to sleep with anyone she could, and Whizz and I couldn’t help grinning at the commentary.

‘I’m sleeping with Johnny.’

‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’

‘Oh yes, it’s OK, we got married. Johnny says he thinks I’m getting romantic’

‘Why does he think that?’

‘I’ve just chosen ‘Hot Smooch.’  A pause as the screen is activated. ,Do you want to Woo Hoo?’

another pause then:

‘Touch anywhere to continue.’

OK so now she’s got a sense of humour there’s no stopping her, especially if there’s something she wants.

So there we are, 31st December and Mavis decides that her bedroom is too small for her needs. ‘Daddy?’, she enquires sweetly, ‘Could we knock my bedroom into Horace’s to make it bigger?’

Now strangely enough this is something we have been considering - in the long term plan you understand, and certainly not this year. Whizz’s face clearly depicts some hesitation, the possibility of a ‘Maybe’ type of answer so Mavis plunges on quickly ‘It doesn’t have to be this year or anything, next year would do’. A little pause for thought ‘Like tomorrow!’

It always comes as a surprise when your child develops a skill she has not hitherto demonstrated. You know your child will grow into an adult and that along the way she will do new things but, nontheless, when they present themselves they still impress.

Sadly for Mavis, when it comes to a sense of humour, she has as her examples Whizz and I. Still, when she says something witty, it makes us laugh.

Over the Christmas period Mavis has been going to bed later and later. Occasionally I have half heartedly suggested that we try to ease in to school by bringing bedtime nearer to normal but when the time comes, I have become engrossed in a book or other project and her official bedtime has passed. This results in a sudden urgency to get her to bed, thwarted by her own inimitable tactics: I feel sick. I’m hungry, I – am – going – as – um – e-e-er – fa-a-a-st – as – I – can, and so on.

On this particular occasion Mavis was offered the opportunity to join us watching a film or to go to bed before it started and read a book for a while. She was not that keen on the proposed film but was torn between it and the unwelcome prospect of an ‘early’ night. ‘We-e-ll’ she pronounced, ‘I wouldn’t mind watching a bit of the film’.

‘Which bit?’ demanded Whizz

After a slight pause she grinned and announced ‘The last bit.’